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Let Sister Mary Loquacious Help You Solve Your Problems. You can email her at or click on the link above.

August 9,2004 Dear Sister Mary,

I just returned from our 40th reunion and am troubled about something. While I personally always lived a pure life as taught by you and your colleagues, the stories told by most of my classmates at the party would make your hair curl under that habit. I am not worried about myself and maybe Tom Quinn but I fear for the rest of them. My question for you is: can they still be saved and how can I help?

Signed, Worried in Wasilla

Dear WWI:

You are right to be troubled. I talk to the Lord daily and occasionally He talks to me. He was at the reunion, of course, and told me all about it. Such carrying on. If it hadn't been the Lord himself telling me about it, I would not have believed what I heard. He said there was hugging among people of the same sex, laughing in church, eating and drinking to excess and swimming by people who didn't appear to have swimming suits on. The strange thing was that the Lord was smiling when he told me these things. The only thing I can figure is that He was thinking about all the good works I plan to do when I get the time.

Do not concern yourself with this problem. God already saved everyone and loves us all, although I can't for the life of me figure out what He sees in some people.

Sister M.

July 13,2004

Dear Sister Mary,

I enjoyed looking at the Class of 64 Homecoming photo, but I can't for the life of me find Mike Sebastian in the picture! Do you suppose Sister Pauline had him cornered somewhere causing him to miss the photo session? We all remember how much she liked the boys...Mike in particular!

Looking for Mike

Dear LFM:
Are you sure you made it through school? Who do you think is taking the picture?
Sister M.
June 16, 2004

Dear Sister Mary,

I have been reading your column in the Notre Dame Class of 64 web site and feel you have been giving some outstanding advice to many of my former classmates. Well, Sister Mary, I have a problem that could cause real havoc with everyone that attends the reunion and believe me, I am worried!
I suspect that one of our reunion organizers cannot be trusted. Yes, that is what I said, One of one reunion organizers cannot be trusted. Now, I will not mention names. I have never been one to point fingers. Lord knows, I have had lots of fingers pointed at me in my lifetime although I am sure you, Sister Mary do not understand which finger I am talking about.
Back to my suspicions. I love to golf! I am not a great golfer. I am not even a good golfer. Actually, I am a very poor golfer, but I keep telling myself that practice makes perfect. Isnt that what all the nuns at Notre Dame used to tell us? Well, I see that a golf outing is being planned for the reunion and I am really working on my game with hopes of maybe winning a pin prize or two. Now, finally to the reason I am writing to you: I think one of our reunion organizers is sandbagging his game so he can win all the prizes at the golf outing!
I read some correspondence from him on June 3, 2004, and he said, I am playing in the old mans tournament at Lakeview (Mitchell) this weekend. Havent played much at all so will probably dig many divots. Well, he placed 3rd in the State and I dont believe a person can do that by digging divots. For the sake of my fellow classmates, should I tell him I know what he is up to, or should I just play my best game and try to win all the prizes myself? Please answer A.S.A.P. I am running out of practice time and might even have to go to the Ultimate Golf Academy for help!

Divot Don

Dear DD:

Wisdom comes slowly to some. Never play golf for money against someone with a dark tan, an excuse as to why he will play poorly, and no visible means of support. I notice that the ND reunion committee is offering fabulous prizes to those who answer questions posted on the web site. I expect the golf prizes to be even more fabulous. Beware. The sharks will be circling. Have you thought about providing a friday night of unlimited free drinks, rich food and wild women for the sandbagger? I am confident a night like that would put a flutter in his putter and you would easily prevail.

Sister M.

June 10,2004

Dear Sister Mary,

As we all know, things were done quite differently in the Catholic Church when we were growing up. Girls and women were required to wear hats or veils to Mass and only young boys were allowed to be altar servers. There was another custom that we not longer adhere to: The consumption of meat on Friday. I must confess, Sister Mary, those Friday night Chili Hot Dogs from the Frisco Cafe were the best ever! Needless to say, I spent a lot of time in the confessional and saying penance for indulging in this sin. This is my question: "Since it is now okay to eat meat on Friday, is there some way that I can get either credit, a refund or rebate on all the Hail Mary's and Our Father's that I had to say in the past"?

Frisco Regular

Dear Frisky:
You bet. The Second Vatican Council Handbook, Section II (a)(iii) states " Hail Marys and Our Fathers (but not Glory Bs) said, but now determined to have been imposed for things no longer being punished, may be redeemed by calling toll free, between 4:00 pm Saturdays and 7:00 pm Sundays, to 1-800-SNO-SHIT (766-7448). You must provide the place, date, time and number of minutes you were in the confessional. Credit will be given against time you would have spent in Purgatory.

Sister M.

June 8, 2004.

Dear Sister Mary,
I am planning to attend the 40th Class Reunion of the Notre Dame Class of '64 this summer. The problem is this: I am feeling guilty. We all remember Fr. Kolbeck...right? Well, when I was in high school Fr. Kolbeck called me into his office and forbid me to date this MHS girl who happened to be non-Catholic. Well, like all young boys, I paid no attention to his "warning". I continued to date her and eventually married her in June of 1971. We will be celebrating our 33rd wedding anniversary next week. After 40 years I am worried because I defied him. I think I should ask her for a divorce. Would I feel better? What would my three grown children think? Would I be able to get an annulment? How would I answer all the questions from my classmates? I am afraid she might not understand and show up at the reunion anyway. I also feel guilty that I was disrespectful to Fr. Kolbeck a.k.a. Chrome Dome, Skinhead and Cue Ball. What should I do, Sister Mary? Am I crazy?
Worried Sick
Dear Sick:

It is so good that you ask for help. I feel your pain. You obviously are not aware that Fr. Kolbeck's concern was not for you but for the sweet young girl you were dating. ND boys and girls had the same urges as all other boys and girls. Fortunately ND kids were taught how to repress and suppress the urges. I checked your ND records and you received an overall average of D- in your twelve-year urge suppression classes. Your Junior and Senior Class scores were exceptionally horrible. Father K. knew that a MHS girl would be unable to defend herself against a boy with Notre Dame repressed, but not suppressed, urges. What to do? The damage has been done. You can't unring the bell, get the spilled milk out of the cat, or beat O'Gorman in basketball. If this marriage is to last longer than 33 years, you must consider counseling. Father Kolbeck may be gone, but I'm sure you can find someone with his gentle ways and compassionate understanding that will be able to help you. Good Luck.

Sister M.

May 2, 2004

Dear Sister Mary L.:
I am so happy that you have made yourself available to us. I hope you can help me. In 1964, our class had $59.75 left in class funds. We voted to donate it to the school.

Sister, I took that money. I thought I could do better with it than the school. I first invested it in Xerox. I believe in computers and got in on the ground floor of IBM, Control Data, Dell and Apple. I diversified into oil, drugs, and put a bundle into Berkshire Hathaway and Wal-Mart. My goal was to have $500,000 for each member of our class and his or her spouse or ex-spouse so that I could present surprise checks at the class 40th reunion to all those who would attend.
Sister Mary, I made that goal a few years early and cashed out. Then I found out Steve Langenfeld had remarried. I was $500,000 short. I put some of our funds in Enron, Worldcom, and other hot telecommunication companies. As the market kept falling I bought more and more thinking things had to turn around. Finally I sold. I have $59.50 left and am flat broke.
I can't face my classmates owing them money. There are only ninety days left. Sister can you loan me 25 cents so I can at least get even?

Class of 64 Outcast

Dear Classless:

You are the stupidest *($@%$#* on earth. Do you think your classmates would love and respect you just because you gave each of them $500,000? Don't you know that they love and respect you for who and what you are and not for what you bring to the table? Forget material things, go to the reunion, bare your soul. I know all want to see you and share their feelings with you. You will be glad you did. Trust me.

Sister Mary

P.S. If you think I would lend a loser like you 25 cents you are an idiot.

May 1,2004

Dear Sister Mary L:

The last few days of my life have been impossible. For reasons I don't understand my wife has been watching me like a hawk. She questions my every move. Can you believe she asked me where I was twenty years ago? What can I do to get my sweet loving poopsie back?

De Young and De Reckless

Dear De Young:

Women are often like that. You just have to let them know who wears the pants. Remember when Sister Louise would say, "If God didn't want their knuckles rapped, He wouldn't have allowed the invention of rulers." Keep those thoughts in mind.

Sister Mary

April 26,2004

Dear Guest Book Barb:
I don't think you need to worry. I'm sure Don's intentions are pure, just like they were when he was at Notre Dame. After all he is old enough to be the girl's father. Then again, knowing Don, there probably is a pretty good chance that he is her father.

Sister Mary

April 26,2004

Dear Sister Mary L.

I have been invited to my fortieth class reunion. I have put on quite a few pounds, am grayer than I was, am crabby and menopausal, and don't have a lot of good memories from my high school days. In spite of all this, I really want to go, as it will be part of the "connecting with my roots experience" that I know will eventually be good for me.
My problem is my daughter. She is a beautiful, intelligent, high-spirited, fun, twenty something who can't say no to any kind of a good time. As a result I must constantly supervise her, so that she stays out of trouble. If I go to the reunion, she will be alone. Do I go and take a chance that she will be good or do I again give up my happiness to protect my daughter.

Really Need To Go

Dear Really:
There will be a large number of overweight, crabby, gray-haired people at your reunion. I submitted your question to the reunion organizing committee. They asked that I tell you to stay home. Don Young wondered if you could send your daughter's email address to him at Connecting to your roots is a wonderful idea. I think you should go. Have you thought about liposuction, hair coloring and two stiff shots of rotgut right before you meet? Could your daughter go with you? You could lock her in the car if you rolled the window down a little. Let me know what you decide.
Sister Mary

April 26, 2004

Dear Sister Mary L:
On Saturday afternoon of our 40th high school Reunion, we are scheduled to be at Lake Mitchell. Would it be proper to wear a modest bathing suit?
Fashion Cautious

Dear FC:
Sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Please check out the picture on the top of the homepage of the website. How many of those people do you want to see in a bathing suit? Add ten years to that picture and tell me about modest bathing suits. Do you think we wore habits because we liked the color. If there is one thing I thought you should have learned by now it's that skin after fifty, isn't nifty.
Sister Mary

Send your questions to the Reunion Committee for submission to Sister Mary. She promises to reply.